I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"

And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ..Self-raising?"

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.